As the self-proclaimed “voice” of the lighter side of special education, I have decided it is past time for me to learn more about you, my loyal (and non-paying) readers. So I am asking all of you to take a few minutes of your time and fill out this important survey which will assist me in determining how many of you need a few more appointments on your lunch calendar. Everyone who completes the survey will be rewarded with a thirty day supply of Ritalin, and a complimentary copy of “Fruitful IEPs – How to Become the Raspberry Seed in Your School District’s Tooth,” by “Litigious” Lola Hockenachinek.
Thank You for your participation!
1. My child’s disability is:
a. Autism
b. Autism
c. Autism
d. Autism
e. Something else
2. My school district’s performance can be rated as:
a. Excellent
b. Good
c. Fair
d. Poor
e. XXX – not suitable for anyone under age 22
3. I speak to my child’s special education teacher:
a. Once a week
b. 2-3 times per week
c. At least once a day
d. My child’s teacher has moved in with us
4. My school district’s attorney buys her clothes at:
a. Neiman-Marcus
b. Saks Fifth Avenue
c. Berdgdorf-Goodman
d. Gucci-the one in Rome
5. My special education attorney buys her clothes at:
a. TJ Maxx
b. Target
c. Wal-Mart
d. The Dollar Store
6. My child’s inappropriate behavior causes him to:
a. Obsessively watch the Weather Channel
b. Inappropriately stare at women’s breasts
c. Incessantly play violent video games
d. Copy all of his father’s behaviors
7. My school district has decided that my child’s least restrictive environment is:
a. Special education class except for gym
b. Special education class except for art and music
c. Prefabricated trailer located next to school building
d. Separate facility located 50 miles from our home
e. The moon
8. The best office dog for a special education law office is:
a. Bulldog, for its tenacity
b. Bloodhound, for its ability to sniff out the unfeeling
c. Lou, the office dog, for his contribution to the hot air therein
d. A mutt – you can’t afford a purebred
9. The “No Child Left Behind” Act is:
a. A vast right-wing conspiracy designed to take money away from public schools
b. A vast left-wing conspiracy designed to help poor kids learn to read
c. The law allowing all individuals under 16 to get unlimited text messaging
d. A misnomer; it should be called “No Child Left Untested”
10. The term “scientifically based” reading program means:
a. It was once mentioned in Reader’s Digest
b. Comes from outer space
c. Your superintendent discussed it with the superintendent of a neighboring school district and both have “Dr.” in front of their names (thus making it “peer-reviewed” as well)
d. The four-legged mammals living in your home committed “acts of nature” on it
11. As a special education teacher, you feel that:
a. You love your students, but hate their parents
b. You love your students but hate your principal
c. You love your students but hate your hair colorist: you weren’t meant to be a platinum blonde
d.You love your students AND the adaptive phys. ed. teacher
12. The two 30 minute/week sessions of speech therapy on your child’s IEP mean your child will receive speech therapy EXCEPT on:
a. Speech language pathologist’s sick days
b. SLP vacation and personal days
c. School holidays
d. Days after SLP quits but you aren’t notified
e. All of the above.
13. The best food to offer at an IEP meeting is:
a. Homemade chocolate chip cookies
b. Lorna Doones purchased for your in-laws visit last year
c. Five alarm chili
d. Gluten-free muffins
e. Human growth hormone
14. Parent(s) most likely to attend an IEP meeting is:
a. Mother
b. Mother; father who arrives 10 minutes before the meeting is over
c. Mother; father who sits like a lump calculating the odds on his Super Bowl bet
d. Mother; father who proceeds to argue with all of the members of the team (including mom) even though he has never actually read the IEP and has only a vague notion which child they are talking about.
15. The IDEA in its current form was meant to assure that:
a. All children have access to public schools
b. Special education teachers would understand the true meaning of “paperwork”
c. People would stop using the word “handicapped” and use the word “disabled” instead
d. Your SLD child’s MFE results in an IEP which provides FAPE in the LRE so he can meet the standards in NCLB, all of which makes you LOL at the I/Q of IDEA’s authors
Thank you for participating in this groundbreaking survey. As soon as the results are tallied, we will promptly throw them away, or insert them into an act of Congress; we are not sure yet. We have intentionally omitted any space for your comments because we don’t want to hear them. I am currently accepting “donations” from any of my loyal readers who want me to stop writing these articles. All money should be sent to: Please Stop, c/o Lou, 1234 Doghouse Lane, Cleveland, Ohio.